The Withins and Withouts (Week 2 Connecting)

This week we first got to know our PBL groups and it was very informative and fun, it was really nice getting to see everyone's different bits of their worlds, I enjoyed putting together the video and seeing and hearing everyone's interesting facts and subjects that they lecture in. I fell behind in blogs due to the load of work that popped up all at the same time at my own campus and then having to facilitate a house move. So it had been really busy.

The course has lined up quite synchronously with everything currently happening, and I've always enjoyed that part of the job, where things make sense and you have an ah-ha moment, well I have had a few in the past few weeks and days, and quite a bit has been informed about the subjects we have discussed in ONL.  Little did I know that this connecting week would be more about me and my footprint, and coming to certain realizations that have informed my decisions both personally and professionally, thanks to new ways of thinking by hearing other people's ideas and stories. So I wanted to connect to myself in order to be actually connected with my group. And I guess the only way to connect is, to be honest, so... here goes.

At first, I was quite shy and insecure, everyone in my group is well-versed in academics, and I was just this little arty kid from Jo'burg, this little blockage is also probably the reason I blurt out ideas and get lost in my own train of thought, and there are a few reasons for that, they mostly stem from a little variance called temporal lobe epilepsy, one of its perks is short term memory loss, the upside is you can discuss the same topic with me twice and get an entire two different perspectives because I will most likely not remember it unless there was an emotional response attached, then even a random leaf falling in the wind will be imprinted on my mind forever, so in a panic, I try to blurt out as much of an idea and its contexts in hopes that it will imprint on them because, by the time I finish a sentence, I've most likely already forgotten the beginning. And it's not because my memory is that bad, no I can remember the precise details of particular events and places as if I am seeing it in front of me, but because of that actually.

My attention span makes a goldfish look relaxed. The filter between mouth and brain short circuits and outcomes this burst of ideas and thoughts in an attempt to try to save them before they are swallowed up by the other ten million irrelevant ideas and thoughts I have going at once. It was my attempt to "connect" and often falls short, I come across as overbearing or domineering, especially because of my accent and general dialect tone, I am from a rough part of town and my voice reflects it in its own way, it may not necessarily represent my actual emotions, which are often hard to truly express, because I end up trying to explain them and just end up derailing the conversation, but alas, they do form part of an external representation of who I appear to be, I try to control it or change my tone but often this ends in people thinking I'm trying to be condescending, when in fact I'm just not sure what else to do, I don't really know how to sound friendly without soundly overly friendly, maybe I should just switch accents, who do I respond without overdoing it? How do I... Wait, what was I saying? 

So then I just go quiet because there is nothing else to do, but wait for the storm to pass... As you can see I am an unstable emotional being, well of course I am I have a disorderly adrenalin function, what do you expect? But guess what! That's not all! I also have scoliosis, and who knows what else, I've even speculated maybe a form of Marfan syndrome, 1 as I have more than three of its unique symptoms, my back looks like it's been broken a few times, and partly has, numerous bike accidents, dancing incidents, stupid mistakes, drunken stupor...I also have pectus carinatum, and I bend my back quite a bit to hide it. Only recently have I actually started to actively not hide as I have come to realize that this is one of my biggest blocks, I hide who I am. Or maybe I'm just not actually sure who that person is anymore, I've lived so many lives and been so many people. Sometimes because I get paid to do that, but most of the time it's just a survival mechanism. But I wouldn't even call it that, it's just a way of compartmentalizing a mental disorder, to be honest. It's a way of controlling and releasing uncontrollable emotions and thoughts.

You see when someone says "epilepsy" most people instantly assume if I see strobed lights I'll fall into a fit on the floor and convulse into unconsciousness. Nope, I happen to enjoy strobe lights, the effect is minimal on me, I just feel "tipsy", no my seizures came as a hybrid form of Deja Vu and a panic attack, disassociation, and sometimes involuntary unconsciousness. And those were just the Pedi-mal seizures. The grand-mal seizures came at the best time: when I was dreaming. Ironic, considering I have "Live to Dream. Dream to Live" inscribed under my arms. Funnily enough, I didn't even know I was having seizures, I just thought they were really bad dreams, no one had brought it up before, I was just told I "twitch" in my sleep, only when I moved in with my wife, who is also temporal lobe epileptic, asked, "did you know you were having seizures in your sleep?". I had been diagnosed as a child but was told it "went away" and was never properly medicated, just called aloof or attention-seeking for the delusions of grandeur and Pedi-mal stare-off-into-the-distance adventures during class. 

Everyone "knew" I had it, and sometimes they took advantage of that. They knew if they pushed me hard enough, the "other side" would come out. And I mean, let's be frank, that's fucked up. So a lot of my "disorder" was dealt with alone and frightened, night terrors, vivid hallucinations, untreated grandeur, all brushed off as "attention-seeking", and so I had to eventually, for my own survival, become friends with those creatures of the mind, and soon they had use's, like multitasking attention span, is great for dealing with multiple processes at once and has proved really useful in parts of my work like handling the different systems and designing processes for online learning, the vivid imagination also allows me to plot out scenes and run through scenarios in my head before I even get behind the camera. It also proved useful when designing curriculums and defining processes for education and creating pathways to follow and learn on. 

Imagine a speed train that never stops, and the map is all in some hieroglyphics phasing text shouting multiple phrases at you all at once, it doesn't make sense but you know what it means, somehow, sometimes. I think the longest part of realization is the process of getting there. But once you have made the realization, you never have to make it again, you never have to go through that process, you just know, and adapt when necessary, thus still learning anyway, thus making every moment a realization, and I think now after writing all this, a way of really connecting whether to yourself or others is to be in a constant state of learning. Yeah, I want to leave this connecting reflection at that, "to connect is to be in a constant state of learning". 

I hope this attempt at connecting has succeeded in establishing a connection.